Saturday, 15 November 2008

Over the months I have spent in college, I think my biggest lesson was to let go of having the spotlight all the time.


Growing up, I have always had (almost) all the attention when I was in school. I was the youngest, the smallest, the cutest, the smartest the most huggable (okay...) and to some, the most handsome/ prettiest (o.O) (All these aren’t my comments… I swear...). So people came to me for various reasons. Reasons which sometimes I didn’t like, but still, attention they did shower.


Coming to college, I was still, subconsciously, an attention seeker. I guess I could say I got quite a lot of it. I was glad I joined the clubs that I did, the groups that I was part of, and the people I got to know through it all.


But I realized that I cared more about the attention given by certain people and that I couldn’t necessarily obtain it. I also realized that it wasn’t always fully mine even when I got it, so I have to learn to let go . I still am an attention whore to some extent, but I know not to want something that’s not mine even after I tried my best to obtain it. The consequence of it was that I felt really lonely at times (Ironic coming from someone so narcissistic about his social status, I know...). All because I craved for something I couldn't have, and abandoned what I did have.


This made me (subconsciously) terribly desperate for some sort of attention after awhile. The touch of a human hand seemed so distant and surreal to me at one point in time. ( I was not those run around naked and slit my wrist to get attention people, so bite me...) In the end, the attention came from the one source that I always had people's attention from. My intelligence. It was the A2 examination period. The last stretch of our one and a half year course and everyone wanted to score a satisfying grade. Thus they seeked for tutors and I was ripe for the picking.


I helped them with their studies for the past month or so. Honestly speaking, it's kind of the longest period that my coursemates maintain constant communications with me after the first semester. Especially that group. Tutor I did and frankly, I enjoyed tutoring (especially mathematics), But at the end of it, when the papers were over, guess what happens? No reward goes to anyone who guessed that I was left out all alone yet again. (Sorry... Cheapskate here...) It was like everything was back to normal, and I was again invisible and the last person they were bothered to be with.


Now, I can only await the time when I will be going back home and (hopefully) be able enjoy the company of my true friends who stick with me just because we want to. Thank you for being my friends and I miss you all so much...

Movie outing again soon ya? Let's settle on a place to eat first this time. Oh wait, it's pretty fun walking around aimlessly and staring at the board while mentally crossing out options too...