Monday, 8 February 2010
Well, this is a bummer... I'm following off my previous post with such a rough rant (and it was not even what I had planned) but I need a release from this gray cloud looming over my head. To be honest, I do not know exactly when or why I'm feeling this horrible.
If I were to guess, it would be a cumulative series of events possibly spanning over the past few weeks. Some are new, some are old wounds reopened, some are merely those left untreated, others just never ceased to be... This would also imply that triggers are aplenty and they range from the seemingly benign to ever present dilemmas. Right now, I'm standing at the edge of the plank with half my feet overboard waiting for that final push into the sea of misery (again).
The problem is it is hard to resolve any of the issues surrounding me and the more I let them fester, the worse they seem to inflict their misery. It's not so much that I do not want to get it over with, but the further along I get, the more seem to appear only to beat me back down, if not lower, to where I started. There's no motivation to stand back up and it's just so much easier to break down. If not for the years of refrain, I would have done just that earlier. However, there's more than my own feelings in consideration so I could not and I would not. The only possible move is to let it eat me inside out as it has been doing for so long now. I know the moment I lose control is the moment I have lost it all. It's when there's no other alternative other than defeat. It's when the life I have now is no longer worth all the agony (and trust me, I value the life I have now, however imperfect, terribly much).
It seems unreasonable for me to rant here about my problems when my readers do not even know what they are, but it's the way I need it to be. To open up about them is to lose half the battle because I'm not sure if I can even bare to reveal them. Also, my readers do know who I am. So they know who or what is the cause of my pain and I just cannot subject them to the prejudices of my minds nor my opinions. I have hurt because they were my injuries. They are not to be burdens to the lives of others who have their own set of problems, some even more miserable than mine. To some even, my problems may seem to be blessings they so long for. So, why should I be complaining?
I am weak, that I know. It's a realisation I need not come to for it's been with me since infancy. I cannot stand to witness the misery inflicted on others, I cannot stand to be a participant of human drama. I could take no action with the conscious awareness that they are hurting another. I am reluctant to dive in for I fear too much its aftermath and effects to those around me. I want no part in love because I know how it hurts forever more. I cannot stand their confrontations because they are between people I cherish. People who I owe my life to. People who I have to admit, regardless of how cruel or insensitive it seems to others, I wish were separated or never together in the first place (and I am well aware of the consequences since I was little; it's too little a price to pay for their sake).
But this is where I am. There is no way to change the past, the only action is to deal with the present. How? I do not have the slightest inclination. There's really no way to reach me for I have already fallen to deep into the hole. All I want right now is to find my peace of mind in deep slumber...
If I were to guess, it would be a cumulative series of events possibly spanning over the past few weeks. Some are new, some are old wounds reopened, some are merely those left untreated, others just never ceased to be... This would also imply that triggers are aplenty and they range from the seemingly benign to ever present dilemmas. Right now, I'm standing at the edge of the plank with half my feet overboard waiting for that final push into the sea of misery (again).
The problem is it is hard to resolve any of the issues surrounding me and the more I let them fester, the worse they seem to inflict their misery. It's not so much that I do not want to get it over with, but the further along I get, the more seem to appear only to beat me back down, if not lower, to where I started. There's no motivation to stand back up and it's just so much easier to break down. If not for the years of refrain, I would have done just that earlier. However, there's more than my own feelings in consideration so I could not and I would not. The only possible move is to let it eat me inside out as it has been doing for so long now. I know the moment I lose control is the moment I have lost it all. It's when there's no other alternative other than defeat. It's when the life I have now is no longer worth all the agony (and trust me, I value the life I have now, however imperfect, terribly much).
It seems unreasonable for me to rant here about my problems when my readers do not even know what they are, but it's the way I need it to be. To open up about them is to lose half the battle because I'm not sure if I can even bare to reveal them. Also, my readers do know who I am. So they know who or what is the cause of my pain and I just cannot subject them to the prejudices of my minds nor my opinions. I have hurt because they were my injuries. They are not to be burdens to the lives of others who have their own set of problems, some even more miserable than mine. To some even, my problems may seem to be blessings they so long for. So, why should I be complaining?
I am weak, that I know. It's a realisation I need not come to for it's been with me since infancy. I cannot stand to witness the misery inflicted on others, I cannot stand to be a participant of human drama. I could take no action with the conscious awareness that they are hurting another. I am reluctant to dive in for I fear too much its aftermath and effects to those around me. I want no part in love because I know how it hurts forever more. I cannot stand their confrontations because they are between people I cherish. People who I owe my life to. People who I have to admit, regardless of how cruel or insensitive it seems to others, I wish were separated or never together in the first place (and I am well aware of the consequences since I was little; it's too little a price to pay for their sake).
But this is where I am. There is no way to change the past, the only action is to deal with the present. How? I do not have the slightest inclination. There's really no way to reach me for I have already fallen to deep into the hole. All I want right now is to find my peace of mind in deep slumber...
Monkey J
21:38
0 commented
21:38
0 commented