Tuesday, 20 April 2010
There Are More Details, Just Not Enough Energy
I remember once saying that negative emotions are the main drive in my writing, and right now, I am just proving my point once again.
Firstly, I terribly regret the long drought of postless-ness (if that made sense to anybody). I am beginning to wonder if I would even be able to make (imaginary) the monthly dateline for the time to come. Maybe bi-monthly would be more feasible, but who knows?
If I have days like this more often, I probably would be posting more often (and sooner or later jump infront of a moving train).
So, if that little prologue has not raised your "emo-post ahead" alarms, consider this your formal warning. The following is not for the light-minded, nor is it a reflection of myself I would care to share with the people around me (due to the gross exaggerations and sense of masochism, and at times, the mind-boggling incoherence). I am only posting it because it is (to my experience) the best, and healthiest release I can afford.
Okay, let's get things rolling with a little housekeeping. I am currently in the middle of my semester where everthing sorts of pools up: assignments; tests; content; (undone) tutorials and worksheets. Even with all my preparations (which was clearly inadequate), it still felt overwhelming. The mere action of having a life outside academia basically guaranteed a backlog of work that would not stop growing. Today marks the day of my last mid-semester test, and with it, there should have been a wave of relief. The half-way mark passed. Everything is progressing well (and it techincally is), but I felt like utter rubbish. I find the most apt 'expression' to describe my current mood is "like shit hitting the fan".
It's the realisation that everything is far from going well... Everything is in a damn mess and anything I do is and will be inadequate to make up for it. It's a strong sense of defeat before one even steps foot into the battleground, and there's no turning back. All that awaits is a massacre.
Now, my current state of mind is not solely influenced by the pressures of my studies. If it were, I would be in relative-Cloud Nine (that's about a Cloud Five, ot something) at the moment. My studies is at a pretty good place at the moment. There is a(n extremely) temporary lull in the workload and it's the perfect chance to recooperate.
However, that was not what was planned for me. Today was evidently a sign (from who-knows-who) that I am a horribly lousy, worthless person.
Here sits the person who claims to love tutoring, but has such a weak grasp in the one language he is most proficient in (I don't even think proficient is a suitable word to use here) that it's a real wonder how is it possible for such a person to communicate knowledge to a whole class. For crying out loud, this person cannot even find the words (or courage) to confront an asshole of a child across the railway track who was taunting him. A child... Can you imagine how I am going to manage a class? And that's definitely not going to land any jobs for the forseeable future.
Here lies the person who has not replied either of his parents due to sheer laziness (for I do not think that it is impossible to spare a moment [or maybe half an hour] to type a reply or two), I keep telling myself I cannot think of what to reply, but the truth is, I do not think that the reply I have is what they would want (nor deserve).
Here grovels the person who has not sense to appreciate, confidence to apply and thick skin to argue the inconsistancy in degree type for the internship that my dad had found for me (through a friend of his). I cannot think of anything but how sheltered this person has been so far.
Here resigns the most socially inept creature, in general and in relationships, I know to be called a human. The sole thought of any possibility of a relationship would have to be tied in with the word 'dysfunctional'.
Here succumbs the hypocrite to his own hypocrisies. Patient and calm, my ass. Non-judgemental, if only. A good person, hardly. If I were all that I said I was to be, I would not be have been annoyed on a daily basis due to the various (unjust, selfish or umtimely) actions of my housemates that if detailed would only serve to prove how much a petty pest I am.
Here perishes whatever's left of me today after all the cumulative bad luck, minute annoyances, harsh realisations and segway thinkings. A hallow shell of a homosapien who's only escape from the vortex of pessimism is a long sound slumber (which by the sounds of the people downstairs is not all that likely).
Signing out from the doom (or dung) I wrote (and am living),
MonkeyJ.
Firstly, I terribly regret the long drought of postless-ness (if that made sense to anybody). I am beginning to wonder if I would even be able to make (imaginary) the monthly dateline for the time to come. Maybe bi-monthly would be more feasible, but who knows?
If I have days like this more often, I probably would be posting more often (and sooner or later jump infront of a moving train).
So, if that little prologue has not raised your "emo-post ahead" alarms, consider this your formal warning. The following is not for the light-minded, nor is it a reflection of myself I would care to share with the people around me (due to the gross exaggerations and sense of masochism, and at times, the mind-boggling incoherence). I am only posting it because it is (to my experience) the best, and healthiest release I can afford.
Okay, let's get things rolling with a little housekeeping. I am currently in the middle of my semester where everthing sorts of pools up: assignments; tests; content; (undone) tutorials and worksheets. Even with all my preparations (which was clearly inadequate), it still felt overwhelming. The mere action of having a life outside academia basically guaranteed a backlog of work that would not stop growing. Today marks the day of my last mid-semester test, and with it, there should have been a wave of relief. The half-way mark passed. Everything is progressing well (and it techincally is), but I felt like utter rubbish. I find the most apt 'expression' to describe my current mood is "like shit hitting the fan".
It's the realisation that everything is far from going well... Everything is in a damn mess and anything I do is and will be inadequate to make up for it. It's a strong sense of defeat before one even steps foot into the battleground, and there's no turning back. All that awaits is a massacre.
Now, my current state of mind is not solely influenced by the pressures of my studies. If it were, I would be in relative-Cloud Nine (that's about a Cloud Five, ot something) at the moment. My studies is at a pretty good place at the moment. There is a(n extremely) temporary lull in the workload and it's the perfect chance to recooperate.
However, that was not what was planned for me. Today was evidently a sign (from who-knows-who) that I am a horribly lousy, worthless person.
Here sits the person who claims to love tutoring, but has such a weak grasp in the one language he is most proficient in (I don't even think proficient is a suitable word to use here) that it's a real wonder how is it possible for such a person to communicate knowledge to a whole class. For crying out loud, this person cannot even find the words (or courage) to confront an asshole of a child across the railway track who was taunting him. A child... Can you imagine how I am going to manage a class? And that's definitely not going to land any jobs for the forseeable future.
Here lies the person who has not replied either of his parents due to sheer laziness (for I do not think that it is impossible to spare a moment [or maybe half an hour] to type a reply or two), I keep telling myself I cannot think of what to reply, but the truth is, I do not think that the reply I have is what they would want (nor deserve).
Here grovels the person who has not sense to appreciate, confidence to apply and thick skin to argue the inconsistancy in degree type for the internship that my dad had found for me (through a friend of his). I cannot think of anything but how sheltered this person has been so far.
Here resigns the most socially inept creature, in general and in relationships, I know to be called a human. The sole thought of any possibility of a relationship would have to be tied in with the word 'dysfunctional'.
Here succumbs the hypocrite to his own hypocrisies. Patient and calm, my ass. Non-judgemental, if only. A good person, hardly. If I were all that I said I was to be, I would not be have been annoyed on a daily basis due to the various (unjust, selfish or umtimely) actions of my housemates that if detailed would only serve to prove how much a petty pest I am.
Here perishes whatever's left of me today after all the cumulative bad luck, minute annoyances, harsh realisations and segway thinkings. A hallow shell of a homosapien who's only escape from the vortex of pessimism is a long sound slumber (which by the sounds of the people downstairs is not all that likely).
Signing out from the doom (or dung) I wrote (and am living),
MonkeyJ.
Monkey J
20:32
0 commented
20:32
0 commented