Saturday, 18 December 2010
One of those days
For those who still don't know me that well, (although if you are reading this blog, you really should. Otherwise, get English lessons.) I am, amongst other things, a tv junkie. And today, no I'm not going to be talking (in detail anyways) about any show in particular, I had "one of those days" [i.e. see HIMYM Season 2, where Robin asks Ted to come over after 2a.m.]
For those who do not know and refuse to look up the reference, "one of those days" refer to days where nothing of particular significance (even on a personal level) happens, but by the end of it all, you feel like your life is a complete mess and you question your priorities in life. Although, for my case, I felt it at the beginning of the day and am still waiting for it to pass (by consuming a massive among of empty carbohydrates. Boy, am I going to be fat (again)?), and literally nothing happened (I've been staying in the house the whole day).
So here I am talking about it.. Also, I think I can confidently say/jinx that Saturday will be my writing day. Back to the topic...
I have no idea why (although I have some vague ideas, I just don't want to share them) but today, my life perspective seems a little off. Today, I begin feeling and thinking about things I never would spend that much time on. Many things did my brain wonder on, but I believe a majority of it can be summed up to one subject: Loneliness.
Today, I felt alone.
The fact is no surprise to me, I know I've been alone for a very long time. I am a loner, and I like(d) it that way. I never mind company but neither did I particularly care if I had any, especially if it's lousy company, and believe me, it's hard to run away from those. But that's not really what I meant here.
Today, the loneliness I felt had more to do with a lack of a significant other. That person who you think about just before you fall asleep, and moments after you wake up. The person whose warm embrace you always long for. The person whose smile brightens up your entire day and whose presence automatically freezes your face into that goony smiley face. The person who understands you more than you know yourself. The person who you aren't afraid to share any and every embarrassing and/or low moment in your life with. The one who just... Well, I think you get the point already. I'm beginning to feel nauseated.
Well, that seems normal enough, you say? Everyone feels like that quite often, well single people that is. But that just isn't the person I am... Or at the very least, I try not to be. I'm fine not having that special someone to share the rest of my life with. I'm okay with not having someone to go through my every living minute with, and I like living on my own (although that's not an option I can afford right now, financially speaking). But somehow, that's not true today. For today, I seem to have develop this desperation to be with such a person.The emptiness inside my heart decided to be made known today, and frankly, I do not like this feeling one bit.
Besides filling my mind with imaginary warmth and longing, these delusions also serve as a harsh reminder of the cold reality of the life options that I have made. Options that I made early on, and options that I am glad I did make, just not on this particular day or days where love seem to be (overly) celebrated. To any normal human being, all this must sound pretty (rather, very) pathetic because even I realised how it sounds but I have my reasons and nothing to argue with them except these occasional feelings that bubble up onto the surface from time to time. Although, I realise while I'm writing this that there is probably a fair share of posts that I wrote about these feelings thus contradicting the points I made earlier, but the thing is, I write about them to get them out of my system. I rarely write about when I'm feeling fine, because frankly, there will be nothing much to write about.
However, this is not to say that I will never change my mind on the aforementioned life options I made. In fact, it is a prerogative of mine to change them when I see fit, but right now and in the near future, I cannot see why I should. So, rather than succumbing wholly to my feelings, I think I will continue on the path I'm on, because on most days, what I've got works well with my ongoing life. I can't see much point in diving off the deep end just like that, so I will just stick with what I've got. Cowardice, or otherwise.
Well, that's it for tonight. I thank you for bearing with my rant but I think it's time for me to attempt to remove this estrogen patch and hit the sack.
It's sad that sometimes sarcasm just isn't enough (although granted I have not been using it on anyone for quite some time [mainly because of their intelligence level])...
Good night, everyone.
For those who do not know and refuse to look up the reference, "one of those days" refer to days where nothing of particular significance (even on a personal level) happens, but by the end of it all, you feel like your life is a complete mess and you question your priorities in life. Although, for my case, I felt it at the beginning of the day and am still waiting for it to pass (by consuming a massive among of empty carbohydrates. Boy, am I going to be fat (again)?), and literally nothing happened (I've been staying in the house the whole day).
So here I am talking about it.. Also, I think I can confidently say/jinx that Saturday will be my writing day. Back to the topic...
I have no idea why (although I have some vague ideas, I just don't want to share them) but today, my life perspective seems a little off. Today, I begin feeling and thinking about things I never would spend that much time on. Many things did my brain wonder on, but I believe a majority of it can be summed up to one subject: Loneliness.
Today, I felt alone.
The fact is no surprise to me, I know I've been alone for a very long time. I am a loner, and I like(d) it that way. I never mind company but neither did I particularly care if I had any, especially if it's lousy company, and believe me, it's hard to run away from those. But that's not really what I meant here.
Today, the loneliness I felt had more to do with a lack of a significant other. That person who you think about just before you fall asleep, and moments after you wake up. The person whose warm embrace you always long for. The person whose smile brightens up your entire day and whose presence automatically freezes your face into that goony smiley face. The person who understands you more than you know yourself. The person who you aren't afraid to share any and every embarrassing and/or low moment in your life with. The one who just... Well, I think you get the point already. I'm beginning to feel nauseated.
Well, that seems normal enough, you say? Everyone feels like that quite often, well single people that is. But that just isn't the person I am... Or at the very least, I try not to be. I'm fine not having that special someone to share the rest of my life with. I'm okay with not having someone to go through my every living minute with, and I like living on my own (although that's not an option I can afford right now, financially speaking). But somehow, that's not true today. For today, I seem to have develop this desperation to be with such a person.The emptiness inside my heart decided to be made known today, and frankly, I do not like this feeling one bit.
Besides filling my mind with imaginary warmth and longing, these delusions also serve as a harsh reminder of the cold reality of the life options that I have made. Options that I made early on, and options that I am glad I did make, just not on this particular day or days where love seem to be (overly) celebrated. To any normal human being, all this must sound pretty (rather, very) pathetic because even I realised how it sounds but I have my reasons and nothing to argue with them except these occasional feelings that bubble up onto the surface from time to time. Although, I realise while I'm writing this that there is probably a fair share of posts that I wrote about these feelings thus contradicting the points I made earlier, but the thing is, I write about them to get them out of my system. I rarely write about when I'm feeling fine, because frankly, there will be nothing much to write about.
However, this is not to say that I will never change my mind on the aforementioned life options I made. In fact, it is a prerogative of mine to change them when I see fit, but right now and in the near future, I cannot see why I should. So, rather than succumbing wholly to my feelings, I think I will continue on the path I'm on, because on most days, what I've got works well with my ongoing life. I can't see much point in diving off the deep end just like that, so I will just stick with what I've got. Cowardice, or otherwise.
Well, that's it for tonight. I thank you for bearing with my rant but I think it's time for me to attempt to remove this estrogen patch and hit the sack.
It's sad that sometimes sarcasm just isn't enough (although granted I have not been using it on anyone for quite some time [mainly because of their intelligence level])...
Good night, everyone.
Monkey J
20:10
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20:10
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