Sunday, 1 May 2011
The Beginning of a Dumb Trilogy ABC
Okay, so I’ve managed to do maybe half of my list for the break and my break is coming to an end this coming Monday, so go me! I’m not throwing in the towel though, just taking a break before I drive into a brick wall. A break, because I managed to get halfway and hey, that’s progress (and because driving into a brick wall is a stupid idea so please kids, don’t try it unless you’re a crash test dummy. [And if you are and are reading this, cool! Just curious, how does clothes work for you? Also, how were you born? Were you manufactured in China?]).
And that took a turn to the weird really quickly....
Well, yes, a break I am taking, to try and make it up to my dear readers with the following piece. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be as one-note as my previous pieces (for the past year or two) about crappy infinite China-reproduction-rate-like-never-ending freaking lists and studies and more studying. What I plan to talk about over the next few days is actually three things, so hang on to your hats kiddies, I think this is going to be a three-parter! Or maybe just one topic broke into three. Want to know which? Only one way to really find out (Kill my brain and stick it in a pickle jar until it talks).
Here’s the thing: Alcohol is a substance so many people in the world are accustomed with, unless you’re a 5 year old kid, (in which case, please stop reading this blog) and we all know the facts about alcohol. It loosens one up, it peels away one’s inhibition (rather suppresses it making it excellent for bad judgement time, oh, I suspect some of you already know where this is going, in which case, gold star for you), it’s a great social lubricant (which was not supposed to sound dirty, sorry if I just made it, or not), it drowns your sorrows and worries, it numbs your broken heart and it can kill germs, it’s a freaking elixir! Well, know how I said it can kill germs? It also kills you. And that should come to no surprise to anyone. If you drink it, I hope you at least have a basic understanding of what it is you’re pouring down into your “holy temple”. Or at least google it now. (Otherwise, I have this lovely dessert called arsenic for you to try, come on over.) Or you can just continue reading on my biased write up.
Sure, not every drink you take takes one day off your lifespan. Getting yourself drunk is the only escape from this dreadful, unjust and heinous world and its occupants, one may argue. It’s the only way that hot chick would make out with me. Then, I implore you again, think about it rationally; What then? Consuming alcohol doesn’t fix problems. It doesn’t convert S&M paedophiles (that should scare off that pestering 5 year-old still reading it) to saints, it doesn’t make assholes any less of who they are (actually, quite the opposite) and it actually makes getting laid less satisfying because your nerve system is being suppressed (meaning you can’t last as long as you normally can, your orgasm [if you even feel one] would not be as intense and you might not even remember the bloody thing. Go with a wet dream instead, at least there’s no surprises waiting for your alimony/shooting its way out of you) .
Still not convinced? Fine then, let’s think back about the first few good times with our beloved liquid friend. Any regular fan of alcohol has had the wonderful experience of an overconsumption of this magic juice, usually about the first few times you actually have the substance. One of the more memorable hallmarks of alcohol consumption (aside from the head-splitting headache, nausea, and memory loss) is the vomiting. [It’s surprising that Hallmark actually have yet made a card for it.]
Well, have you ever wondered why does it happen? Here’s a hint. Your body is not trying to dispose of the abundance of awesomeness coursing through its veins. It’s trying to get rid of the excess toxins you voluntarily ingested that your liver could no longer (work overtime to) handle. If you still aren’t getting it, let me try and break it down further for you. You wouldn’t normally be vomiting and anything that isn’t bad for you should not make you vomit. The same principle applies to eating garbage. You don’t fancy a trip to the dumpster for a good eat, I suppose? Need a more boiled down version of what I’m trying to say? Too much alcohol = vomit, vomit = bad so, too much alcohol = bad =(.
Note how I have been making multiple (not so subtle) references to making you think about the issue, did I forget to mention that consumption of alcohol also decreases blood flow to your brain and can cause significant permanent damage to your brain amongst other organs? Quite frankly, this is a pretty ingenious property of alcoholic beverages (if you think about it). You drink copiously, get wasted, vow not to do it ever again, forget about it due to the deterioration of your mental capabilities, and drink copiously again, and so on. A wonderful cycle.
I think I should stop here with all the alcohol trash talking because honestly, I could go on for longer but if the point has not become clear by now, I don’t think writing any more (and further alienating any alcohol-consuming friends I have, which is a large majority of them) would do much more good. Let’s all be friends again and move on, shall we? Cheers!
(And stay tuned for parts B and C.)
And that took a turn to the weird really quickly....
Well, yes, a break I am taking, to try and make it up to my dear readers with the following piece. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be as one-note as my previous pieces (for the past year or two) about crappy infinite China-reproduction-rate-like-never-ending freaking lists and studies and more studying. What I plan to talk about over the next few days is actually three things, so hang on to your hats kiddies, I think this is going to be a three-parter! Or maybe just one topic broke into three. Want to know which? Only one way to really find out (Kill my brain and stick it in a pickle jar until it talks).
(A) Alcoholism
Anything that begins with alcohol must be fun, right? Actually, think about it. Really think about it. When was the last time you’ve actually heard “Oh man, I should have drank more” because if I am a betting man, I would put my money on freaking never.Here’s the thing: Alcohol is a substance so many people in the world are accustomed with, unless you’re a 5 year old kid, (in which case, please stop reading this blog) and we all know the facts about alcohol. It loosens one up, it peels away one’s inhibition (rather suppresses it making it excellent for bad judgement time, oh, I suspect some of you already know where this is going, in which case, gold star for you), it’s a great social lubricant (which was not supposed to sound dirty, sorry if I just made it, or not), it drowns your sorrows and worries, it numbs your broken heart and it can kill germs, it’s a freaking elixir! Well, know how I said it can kill germs? It also kills you. And that should come to no surprise to anyone. If you drink it, I hope you at least have a basic understanding of what it is you’re pouring down into your “holy temple”. Or at least google it now. (Otherwise, I have this lovely dessert called arsenic for you to try, come on over.) Or you can just continue reading on my biased write up.
Sure, not every drink you take takes one day off your lifespan. Getting yourself drunk is the only escape from this dreadful, unjust and heinous world and its occupants, one may argue. It’s the only way that hot chick would make out with me. Then, I implore you again, think about it rationally; What then? Consuming alcohol doesn’t fix problems. It doesn’t convert S&M paedophiles (that should scare off that pestering 5 year-old still reading it) to saints, it doesn’t make assholes any less of who they are (actually, quite the opposite) and it actually makes getting laid less satisfying because your nerve system is being suppressed (meaning you can’t last as long as you normally can, your orgasm [if you even feel one] would not be as intense and you might not even remember the bloody thing. Go with a wet dream instead, at least there’s no surprises waiting for your alimony/shooting its way out of you) .
Still not convinced? Fine then, let’s think back about the first few good times with our beloved liquid friend. Any regular fan of alcohol has had the wonderful experience of an overconsumption of this magic juice, usually about the first few times you actually have the substance. One of the more memorable hallmarks of alcohol consumption (aside from the head-splitting headache, nausea, and memory loss) is the vomiting. [It’s surprising that Hallmark actually have yet made a card for it.]
Well, have you ever wondered why does it happen? Here’s a hint. Your body is not trying to dispose of the abundance of awesomeness coursing through its veins. It’s trying to get rid of the excess toxins you voluntarily ingested that your liver could no longer (work overtime to) handle. If you still aren’t getting it, let me try and break it down further for you. You wouldn’t normally be vomiting and anything that isn’t bad for you should not make you vomit. The same principle applies to eating garbage. You don’t fancy a trip to the dumpster for a good eat, I suppose? Need a more boiled down version of what I’m trying to say? Too much alcohol = vomit, vomit = bad so, too much alcohol = bad =(.
Note how I have been making multiple (not so subtle) references to making you think about the issue, did I forget to mention that consumption of alcohol also decreases blood flow to your brain and can cause significant permanent damage to your brain amongst other organs? Quite frankly, this is a pretty ingenious property of alcoholic beverages (if you think about it). You drink copiously, get wasted, vow not to do it ever again, forget about it due to the deterioration of your mental capabilities, and drink copiously again, and so on. A wonderful cycle.
I think I should stop here with all the alcohol trash talking because honestly, I could go on for longer but if the point has not become clear by now, I don’t think writing any more (and further alienating any alcohol-consuming friends I have, which is a large majority of them) would do much more good. Let’s all be friends again and move on, shall we? Cheers!
(And stay tuned for parts B and C.)
Monkey J
11:17
0 commented
11:17
0 commented