Saturday, 3 March 2012
Of Family... A Reminder to Myself
So I’m back here again. This year would make the fourth year I have been pursuing my higher education and for what reason, I no longer can say with certainty. Am I finally caring that the reason I have always used is petty? I’m not sure but my recent trip back home only added more confusion into the mix. I’m not trying to blame my family but it’s (not so) funny how family can easily make you rethink your entire life path without doing anything at all. I suppose who else would know best how to push your buttons than them.
Don’t get me wrong, my recent trip has been more than pleasant. It was a fantastic just-short-of-a-month spent with my family and friends which only makes it so much harder to swallow the realisation I am back where I am all alone wondering what the hell I am doing, as if the pain of waving goodbye alone was not bad enough.
Homesickness, I suppose is what this ache is called. The funny thing is I am sure, in some alternate universe, I would be laughing my innards out at such self-pity wallowing but the one in this universe sure doesn’t feel like laughing anytime tonight at least.
All this sappiness could very well be triggered by my lack of sleep and/or the nearness of the parting, as the above paragraphs were written on the very day I got back. I did not post them up then as I did not feel they were adequately describing what I was hoping to convey. So after two weeks, I am giving it another go.
In all honesty, I should admit that I am only continuing on this post because I feel like I am stuck with my academic progress and this (emotional blockage, maybe) could be a reason why. For the past week or so, I have barely made any progress with my project and it’s scaring the hell out of me. So, if my mental blockage is caused by this, I am hoping I’m here to put it to rest, or at least, some sort of temporary satisfaction.
Looking back at the few years I have taken this trip home and back made me realise that this is probably the first time that I have done it alone. In previous years, I had either a companion (or two) on the journey, or at least waiting to meet up once we got back. However, as last year marked the departure of the lynchpin (for me anyways) of the group, I came back to no one’s welcome, well, no one that I cared about. And after two weeks, I still have not heard from any of them. The only time I had a similar experience of loneliness would be my first year here after my mum left after a week of our arrival. (Boy, that was a much bigger pain…) However, logically speaking, it’s something that I have to learn to be able to handle as this would be something that I will be doing quite regularly in the long run.
While it still hurts today, the ache has become a lot more tolerable especially when I am around people, but I suppose the point is that it is still there. Yes, I know that it will always be there and that is a good thing, but when it’s actively stunting my performance, it’s just too strong (for me anyways – I am not trying to sound heartless here, rather weak-spirited if you will). My love for my family should be pillars of my strength, not my kryptonite.
The only way I can see to remedy this (on my own, as it gives a better guarantee of working, for me anyways) is to alter my mindset. I need to convert these pangs of loneliness to a reminder of the love and support, however far, they have for me. I should be using it to motivate me to work rather than a reason to procrastinate (as if I need another).
It may seem odd that I am actually writing all this out but for me, the message is kept closer to my mind when I actually write it out. While I am on the topic of remembering, I should also try to remember this quote my father shared recently; “Worrying does not take away tomorrows' troubles, it just takes away today's peace!” which I believe would be another helpful reminder to keep for this year. I know all too well how excessive worrying and stressing (which I am [genetically] prone to do) is terribly detrimental to one’s progress and it’s something I always wish I could improve on (without going overboard and becoming blasé about everything).
Of course, things like these are much easier said than done, and the stress that I will be dealing with for the next 10 months (and more, if I want to reach that goal of a PhD) provides many opportunities that could easily push me back to the dark side. But I will have to remember to see it as a challenge, one to overcome as a testament to my family; to show them and me that their faith and love has not been misplaced.
Till next time, I hope to be able to stay strong.
Edit: I stumbled upon my much better written post on homesickness from last year while transferring the draft for this post into my completed drafts folder [yes, I keep all my writings] which I happened to have titled the same. I believe most of the sentiments behind that post still holds (except I wasn't an angsty teenage brat this time, so go me!) and I could not have said it any better than I did then.
On a side note, my writing is really becoming worse... If only I have more time for creative self-expression.
Don’t get me wrong, my recent trip has been more than pleasant. It was a fantastic just-short-of-a-month spent with my family and friends which only makes it so much harder to swallow the realisation I am back where I am all alone wondering what the hell I am doing, as if the pain of waving goodbye alone was not bad enough.
Homesickness, I suppose is what this ache is called. The funny thing is I am sure, in some alternate universe, I would be laughing my innards out at such self-pity wallowing but the one in this universe sure doesn’t feel like laughing anytime tonight at least.
All this sappiness could very well be triggered by my lack of sleep and/or the nearness of the parting, as the above paragraphs were written on the very day I got back. I did not post them up then as I did not feel they were adequately describing what I was hoping to convey. So after two weeks, I am giving it another go.
In all honesty, I should admit that I am only continuing on this post because I feel like I am stuck with my academic progress and this (emotional blockage, maybe) could be a reason why. For the past week or so, I have barely made any progress with my project and it’s scaring the hell out of me. So, if my mental blockage is caused by this, I am hoping I’m here to put it to rest, or at least, some sort of temporary satisfaction.
Looking back at the few years I have taken this trip home and back made me realise that this is probably the first time that I have done it alone. In previous years, I had either a companion (or two) on the journey, or at least waiting to meet up once we got back. However, as last year marked the departure of the lynchpin (for me anyways) of the group, I came back to no one’s welcome, well, no one that I cared about. And after two weeks, I still have not heard from any of them. The only time I had a similar experience of loneliness would be my first year here after my mum left after a week of our arrival. (Boy, that was a much bigger pain…) However, logically speaking, it’s something that I have to learn to be able to handle as this would be something that I will be doing quite regularly in the long run.
While it still hurts today, the ache has become a lot more tolerable especially when I am around people, but I suppose the point is that it is still there. Yes, I know that it will always be there and that is a good thing, but when it’s actively stunting my performance, it’s just too strong (for me anyways – I am not trying to sound heartless here, rather weak-spirited if you will). My love for my family should be pillars of my strength, not my kryptonite.
The only way I can see to remedy this (on my own, as it gives a better guarantee of working, for me anyways) is to alter my mindset. I need to convert these pangs of loneliness to a reminder of the love and support, however far, they have for me. I should be using it to motivate me to work rather than a reason to procrastinate (as if I need another).
It may seem odd that I am actually writing all this out but for me, the message is kept closer to my mind when I actually write it out. While I am on the topic of remembering, I should also try to remember this quote my father shared recently; “Worrying does not take away tomorrows' troubles, it just takes away today's peace!” which I believe would be another helpful reminder to keep for this year. I know all too well how excessive worrying and stressing (which I am [genetically] prone to do) is terribly detrimental to one’s progress and it’s something I always wish I could improve on (without going overboard and becoming blasé about everything).
Of course, things like these are much easier said than done, and the stress that I will be dealing with for the next 10 months (and more, if I want to reach that goal of a PhD) provides many opportunities that could easily push me back to the dark side. But I will have to remember to see it as a challenge, one to overcome as a testament to my family; to show them and me that their faith and love has not been misplaced.
Till next time, I hope to be able to stay strong.
Edit: I stumbled upon my much better written post on homesickness from last year while transferring the draft for this post into my completed drafts folder [yes, I keep all my writings] which I happened to have titled the same. I believe most of the sentiments behind that post still holds (except I wasn't an angsty teenage brat this time, so go me!) and I could not have said it any better than I did then.
On a side note, my writing is really becoming worse... If only I have more time for creative self-expression.
Monkey J
15:49
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15:49
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